Bored to Flames

A generational rant from Dean Swift


How much extended boredom does it take to trigger in a college student the urge to burn churches. As it turns out, not too much. Over the past several days we at the Swifitan Institute for Spurious Science have been conducting a series of experiments on upper-middle-class college students with some exciting results. Although it wall take many months of exhaustive study to fully analyze the data, we do feel confident with making some preliminary observations. First, we can safely state that modern young males seem to represent the first humans to be counter-evolving into beings that could be easily defeated in backgammon by a Jersey milk cow. Secondly, we don’t like their haircuts.

Following is the abstract of one test subject

Test Subject 17
Name: Ryan Jackson
Age: 19
Education: Sophomore at Southern Alabama School of Liberal Arts, Dothan Campus
Field of Study: Business Administration

Abstract:

Subject arrived at the test site approximately thirty minutes late, claiming that he was running behind because there was some “righteous wicked traffic” on the highway and that he had to stop and get a smoothie on the way. He was dressed in a fraternity t-shirt, , sandals and his boxer shorts were clearly visible four inches above the waistband of his cut off blue jeans. He seemed to be lacking any body hair and had a distinct scent of coconut oil. We explained to him that he would be paid fifty dollars to participate in a scientific study and asked him to sign our standard release form. Before signing, he enquired if he was “gonna’ have to do anything gay.” We explained to him that the study was on the effects of boredom and he asked “that doesn’t make you do gay stuff, does it?” We assured him that no current study data indicated that exposure to abject boredom resulted in any gender-specific sexual responses. He responded with an open mouth and a blank stare. We further clarified that he would not “turn homo” and he promptly signed the release.

We began the study with the subject being placed in a 12’x10’ room containing the following objects:


1 Reclining Chair
1 27” Color Television
1 Remote Control Device for TV
1 X-box Game Console
2 Games for X-box
1 Hardcover Book of Poetry by T.S. Eliot

The room was equipped with a ceiling-mounted camera and audio microphone to record the entire experiment.

At 12:00 noon, the subject was led into the room by an institute employee and told that he was free to use anything in the room during the experiment and that he would be checked on at different intervals throughout the day. He offered a puzzled look and the institute employee clarified the statement by saying “just hang out here and some people might come in and out.” The subject’s response was “cool.”

Upon entering the room, the subject immediately turned on the TV and began flipping through the 140 digital cable channels. He gleefully said “Fifty bucks to watch TV, awesome.” Thirty minutes later, the number of television channels available to the subject was reduced to 13. There was a noted change in his behavior and he repeatedly struck the television and the remote control muttering to himself. At 12:45pm, the subject began to yell, “Hey, this TV is messed up dudes!” At 12:47pm the subject discovered the X-box game console and was recorded saying “No way! Has this shit been here the whole time?” At first he inserted the game “Tony Hawk Underground 3” and continued to play this game for 15 minutes at which time he switched to “Gotham City Racing” and played for another 15 minutes. At approximately 1:15pm an institute employee entered the room and without addressing the subject, removed the X-box game console. The subject was agitated and shouted at the institute employee to “put that shit back before I smack you!” Although he employee was threatened repeatedly, no violence transpired. At 1:30pm the subject began to rapidly flip through the 13 available television channels, not knowing that with each change of the channel, the previous channel was removed from his viewing choices. Within 30 seconds, the television was able to receive no signal. At this point the subject struck the television repeatedly and checked the battery compartment of the remote control device eleven times. The subject then reached to the back of the television and traced the cable connection to the wall. He attempted to disconnect and reconnect the cable seven times before exclaiming “Bogus!” and returning to sit in the reclining chair. After sitting for approximately one minute, the subject began beating on the door and yelling “Hey dude! The TV is fried! Come fix this crap!” After two minutes and forty complaints from the subject, an institute employee entered the room and removed the television. As the employee was exiting the room, the subject repeatedly asked if the TV was going to be returned in working order. Over the next fifteen minutes the subject became more and more agitated. He paced around the room, only stopping his pacing to masturbate six times. At 2:00pm, an employee of the institute entered the room to remove the chair and was attacked by the subject. The employee was beaten unconscious with the book of poetry. With the door left open and the institute employee unconscious on the floor, the subject escaped the testing area and fled to his BMW in the institute parking lot. Institute security guards followed the subject as he drove into the countryside. After a fifteen minute drive, the subject pulled into the parking lot of the Shepherd’s Hollow Missionary Baptist Church. The subject was apprehended at the rear of the church while piling sticks against the back door and removing a Bic lighter from the pocket of his cut off jeans.

As you might surmise, if this is who we are depending on for the advancement of our great nation, we’re screwed.