The flavor was so bad that I had to lick my dog’s ass to get the taste out of my mouth.

A pop culture observation by Dean Swift

You have got to be f*%#ing kidding me! What self-respecting woman in her right mind would actually compete to be the girlfriend of William Drayton Jr., better known as Flavor Flav. I thought that the bevy of beautiful women fawning over the hunks on The Bachelor were bad enough, but REALLY! Flavor Flav! For those of you who haven’t seen this absurd waste of time (I only wasted 10 minutes while looking for the remote) it goes something like this… Twenty current/former/future strippers compete for the attention and affection of a cracked out deadbeat dad. I can see why Mr. Flav would like a show such as this. He gets unlimited stripper-booty and can make enough green to catch up on the unpaid child support for his six children and still have plenty of foldin’ money left over to buy some truly righteous rock(1). But please tell me what is in it for the contestants. They could certainly make more money in porn or spinning around a pole in a g-string. They could get more fame by claiming to have been sexually assaulted by a pro athlete. So why go through the hassle of having to put up with Mr. Drayton’s sorry ass?

Maybe the answer lies within the process by which cast members are chosen. Perhaps after sending in applications for a spot on a reality show, the girls are called in and interviewed without being told what show they are auditioning for. After they are selected and are all pumped up about being on TV, the title of the show is revealed. Some stay, some go. My guess is that once they have gone so far, they don’t want to turn back and look on it as their only way to make it on television. HMMM….. “if I was on Fear Factor, I might have to eat wombat testicles… but for this show, all I have to do is out-skank these other strippers, no problem.” That would explain a great deal. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. During my limited research (a few minutes on VH1’s Web site) I observed the regrettable audition tape of some trollop named “Sweetie,” in which she addresses Mr. Flav by name and raps for him about her fantasy of Flav “bending me over like Larry Flynt.” Now that’s classy! I’m not really sure what it means, but class is like art, I know it when I see it and I don’t have to understand it to appreciate it.

Intrigued by the audition tape, I delved a little further into the web site and learned even more. Here is the teaser from the first page of the Flavor of Love site.

You may remember him(2) from VH1's hit(3) shows "The Surreal Life 3" and "Strange Love (4)" but just when you thought you heard your last "Yeah, Boyeee!" VH1 is hitting you with a third dose of the Public Enemy hype-man who made sporting big clock necklaces famous(5). Flavor Flav is back once again, this time as an eligible bachelor(6) where women(7) will try to win his heart in the new series "Flavor of Love." After his failed romance with Brigitte Nielsen, Flavor Flav is ready for a new and true romance. In "Flavor of Love," 20 single women(8) from all walks of life(9), selected for their expressed love for Flav, will move into a "phat crib" in Los Angeles(10) and vie for his affection(11). With help and advice from Big Rick, Flav's gigantic body-guard and chauffeur(12), Flavor Flav will date all of the women, weed out the ones who are only after his fame and fortune(13)...and in the end will choose his one true love. Along the way, Flav will put the ladies through several challenges including a lie-detector test administered by Brigitte Nielsen(14) herself, a cooking(15) contest judged by Flav's own mother(16), and the dreaded blind-fold sniff test(17)! Plus, there will be several other surprises throughout this ten-part series including clock ceremonies, dates at Red Lobster, and a new set of gold teeth signifying true love(18)!


Thinking back to when I was single, I don’t think I would have gotten much play by strolling into Julep and asking the available women to line up for the “dreaded blind-fold sniff test.” But who am I kidding, I may be a handsome guy, but I’m certainly no Flavor Flav.

(1) In all fairness, I must inform you that Mr. Flav claims that he has been crack-free since 2004. I guess that explains his behavior and clarity of speech.
(2) I actually thought he was dead until my eyes were seared by his image with the stripper/wife wannabes.
(3) “Hit” being defined as something watched by more than a van full of people.
(4) Not really. Remember, I thought he was dead.
(5) Was this ever famous, or just some cute vaudevillian comedic prop of a minstrel player (oh, I’m sorry, I meant playa)
(6) Eligible dead-beat-dad bachelor who owes child support to both of his ex-baby-mamas for all six of his children
(7) Hooker/stripper/crack whores
(8) Ibid
(9) Ibid
(10) They would have used Flav’s actual house, but none of the crew wanted to work in an El Segundo crack house.
(11) I think this was a typo, the correct word should be “infections”
(12) And employee of VH1, since Mr. Flav can’t afford and doesn’t need an actual security person
(13) All seven dollars and both crack rocks
(14) Wasn’t Brigitte Nielson the really tall gay man who was married to the guy in the arm wrestling movie Over the Top?
(15) Perhaps they can cook up some meth
(16) Since his father couldn’t be located
(17) I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
(18) Ibid