The B-Side

Just like there are two sides to every 45rpm record (you remember records don’t you), there are two sides to every story. If you don’t believe me, ask Louisiana’s Rep. William Jefferson (D). After the FBI caught him on video taking a $100 thousand bribe, and after $90 thousand of that money was found in his home freezer, he still proclaims his innocence and fervently states, "There are two sides to every story. There are certainly two sides to this story. This is not the time, this is not the forum, to discuss it.”

Since Rep. Jefferson can’t seem to come up with a forum, I’ll volunteer mine. And furthermore, since he can’t lend his voice to his defense, I’ll do that for him as well.

Following is a spurious transcript of my recent interview with the distinguished gentleman from Louisiana.

Dean Swift: Representative Jefferson, It’s good to speak with you. Why did you agree to this interview?
Rep. William Jefferson: You promised me a cool grand and a box of Reynolds Wrap.

DS: You’ve stated that you are innocent of the bribery charges being levied against you, can you explain this?

RWJ: Yes I can. You see, I received an email from a Nigerian man asking for my assistance in restoring him to the throne by providing him with my bank account information. In an effort to help my new friend, I forwarded this information to some close friends of mine in the FBI. They agreed that this new friend of mine definitely needed to be restored to the throne in order to provide intelligence about the evildoers around the world. So, the FBI gave me a briefcase full of cash to give to my friend, when ever I heard from him again.

DS: So why was the money in your freezer, and $10 thousand light?

RWJ: I initially put the money in my bank account. And then I got another email from a woman in Chad, asking for my bank account information so that she could get some money out of the country and help her father regain the throne of that nation. Since the first deal with the Nigerian was approved by the FBI, I figured this one would be just as good, so I went ahead and gave her my account info. And would you believe it! It was a scam! She stole $10 thousand from my account. So, to keep them from taking any more, I went to the bank and took out the remaining $90 thousand. The only safe place for me to keep it was (of course) in my freezer, wrapped in aluminum foil. You see, if you don’t wrap it in aluminum foil, the Trilateral Commission can pick up on the radio frequencies of emitted by large sums of money. Once they pick up the signal, they can swoop in with their black helicopters and take the dough. Also, Halliburton Corporation can use their private satellite network to detect the heat signature of cash piles. Then, they can send in their private army to steal the cash and give it to President Bush to use as a down payment on mind reading devices that he plans to use to steal another election for the Republicans.

DS: OK… well… I have to go now. Do you mind it I borrow your tin-foil hat?

RWJ: Be my guest, the next transmission from the mothership isn't expected for a few hours.