National Meat Out

A Meaty Rant from Dean Swift

March 20th is the first day of Spring. It is also the date of the National Meat Out, a day on which certain factions of the animal rights movement would like for everyone to stop eating meat, at least for 24 hours. This meatless day of celebration is sponsored by: FARM (Farm Animal Reform Movement); IDA (In Defense of Animals); the magazine Vegetarian Times; a spa called Hippocrates Health Institute; and a travel agency named Healthy Adventures. Isn’t that sweet. I think I’ll skip this year and have dinner at Red, Hot & Blue BBQ instead.

As usual, I did my research into the groups sponsoring the Meat Out and was amused, but not surprised. FARM and IDA are organizations that promote sit-ins and protests of farms, fast food restaurants and just about anywhere else that promotes the “torture” of animals through farming. I guess they want to “free the cows” and let them carry on their lives without hindrance from humans. Hmmm… Cows free to roam the countryside and start little cow communities. In no time these cows would surely organize and demand the right to vote. Hell, one might even get elected president. Or… they would all end up getting hit by cars or starving to death, because next to granola hippies, they are perhaps the dumbest creatures on the earth. Vegetarian Times is a magazine about vegetarian cooking. I actually read this rag one time and was very disappointed. You see, I had accidentally harvested a vegetarian while on the deer stand and didn’t want the meat to go to waste, so I picked up a copy of Vegetarian Times and could not find a single recipe for how to cook a vegetarian. Go figure. Healthy Adventures offers vegetarian vacationssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. Oops. Sorry about that, talking about this company was so boring, I fell asleep while pressing he “s” key on my laptop. The most interesting group sponsoring the meat out was the Hippocrates Health Institute (for those of you who don’t speak ancient Greek, Hippocrates loosely translates to: lunatic who will pay good money for just about anything). This place is a spa in Palm Beach, Florida that promotes wheat grass as nature’s cure-all. For a mere $3,700/week (plus the cost of food and informational materials) you can spend three weeks at the spa and receive their magical treatments of wheatgrass beverages, enemas and rectal implants. During this time you will learn how to drink wheatgrass without “…causing nausea” which will (among other things); cause your gray hair to return to its previous color, reduce your tumors, detoxify your body and promote healthy gums. Their web site partially explains it this way, “…when the "blood" of plants is absorbed in humans it is transformed into human blood, which transports nutrients to every cell of the body.” OK, got it. So in order to “fix my blood”, I need to drink something that will make me puke while somebody stuffs wheatgrass into my bum. No thanks, I think I’ll keep my old broken-down blood and eat a cow instead. At Bonanza I might not get a cancer cure, but at least the waitress will not attempt to insert any roughage from the wrong end.

Perhaps we omnivores should respond in-kind. We could have an event called The National Eat More Yummy Animals Day. We could have speakers and seminars like “Are cute animals better tasting than ordinary or ugly ones?” or “Veal, it’s not just for breakfast anymore!” We could get the National Beef Counsel to print flyers encouraging vegetarians to eschew their spinach and wheat germ for a day and replace their soy-burgers with ground chuck. We could invite the Inuit Preservation Society to put on baby harp seal clubbing demonstrations. We could eat Vegetarian Stew (a delicious concoction made from a medium to small vegetarian, savory juices and lots of potatoes, celery and carrots). Just think of the possibilities. Maybe we could even start our own spa where everyone eats bacon, drinks chicken soup, gets lard facials and the staff could attempt to stick a lamb… oh never mind. How about this, instead of foisting our opinions on everyone else why don’t we just continue the private enjoyment of our lives and let the fruits and nuts of the world do their thing. Now that’s a novel idea!