Pope to Karzai “Oh yeah, Mr. Fuzzy Hat…watch this!”

In a surprising move today, Pope Benedict XVI called for a revival of the Great Crusades to free the Holy Lands from the Moors. Sources close to the pontiff report that upon hearing the news from Afghanistan that Christian convert Abdul Rahman has been sentenced to death by beheading for converting to Christianity, the ruler of the Holy See leapt from the Chair of Peter and shouted at the papal television, “You better step off, bitch! Don’t make me get all 12th century on your ass! You want a dose of Vitamin B-16?! Then come on and get it!”

After carefully removing the Shoes of the Fisherman, the Pontiff kicked over the television, stormed out of the Basilica TV room and locked himself in the Papal Apartment. After conferring with Papal Consigliere, Thomas Mesereau, His Holiness spent the next several hours calling various Christian millionaires to join his quest. By invoking Doctrina Iustus Bellum, the Holy Father will be able to bestow the spoils of war to any Knight Templar of the Tenth Crusade.

In related news, Dick Cheney suddenly announced today that he is stepping down from his post as Vice President of the United States. In a hastily thrown together press conference, Mr. Cheney came to the podium dressed in a white smock bearing a red cross and told reporters that he is now to be called, “Dick the Fierce, Shooter of Texas Lawyers and Slayer of Moors.” He explained the move by saying, “I received a call from the Vatican this afternoon asking me to lead the Tenth Holy Crusade. In doing so, I will be granted the spoils of war, including petroleum, in any Moor nation that I conquer. Therefore, I will be returning to my post as CEO of Halliburton and assembling a private army to rescue the Holy Land from the hands of Satan’s minions.”

Dick the Fierce staunchly refused to answer questions and exited the room, flanked by similarly dressed T. Boone Pickens and Sumner Redstone.

On Wall Street today, Halliburton stock soared to close well over its 52 week high.