Keeping our Borders Safe

A secure rant from Dean Swift

Today, Borders Group Inc. spokeswoman Beth Bingham said in defense of Borders and Waldenbooks’ decision not to carry the April-May issue of Free Inquiry (a magazine published by the Council for Secular Humanism), "For us, the safety and security of our customers and employees is a top priority, and we believe that carrying this issue could challenge that priority."
Why would she say such a thing? What is the problem with this issue of Free Inquiry? If I owned a large chain of bookstores, I would be concerned with the safety of my patrons if certain magazines:

Were made entirely of tiny shards of broken glass,
Were chock full of Anthrax (the poison gas, not the metal band),
Were loaded with trans-fatty acids,
Sent up clouds of second hand smoke,
Were printed with ink made from plutonium,
Contained LSD laced glue on reply envelopes,
Had hungry, ferocious, rabid badgers trapped in the shrink-wrap, or
Had a centerfold of Mother Sheehan.

Is this what Beth and her concerned employers are worried about? Well, no. They are concerned about bands of blood-thirsty Jihadistas storming through malls all across America, tearing patrons to bits, after being whipped into a frenzy because the April-May issue of Free Inquiry contains nothing less than cartoons of Mohamed (the prophet, not the boxer or the guy who owns Harrods). Actually, these are the same Dutch cartoons that everyone on the planet has seen about a hundred times (except for people who watch only NBC and read only US newspapers). I can certainly see Ms. Bingham’s point, by exposing all seven or eight people across the USA that actually read Free Inquiry, all hell might break loose. OH, the humanity!

Eclipse Today

Even to a cynical, 18th century, Dead White Guy, this is very cool.

Billy McGee Update

I just received the following email from Alexander Flip at the Department of Homeland Security, as a response to an email that I sent to FEMA asking that the charges against Sheriff McGee be dropped.

Thank you for your comments.

While it appears clear why the Sheriff
felt he needed to take action, the action he chose was not
legal.
Consideration may have been made prior to filing
charges.

Our system of justice should determine the facts,
interpret the law and offer a fair judgment in this case.
If it goes to
court, the decision could come very quickly.

Sheriff McGee has
received much support.

The FEMA Public Affairs Team

That reminds me of the official response concerning Flight 800 that blew up off the Atlantic Coast near Long Island several years ago. That one went something like this:

"We are highly confident that some unknown, catastrophic event severely
compromised the craft's ability to remain aloft."

Keep the pressure on FEMA and perhaps they will drop the charges.

Buck Owens

The honky-tonk angels have a new soul to hold. One of my heroes, Buck Owens passed away today. To truly understand the impact of Buck, read this tribute penned several years ago by my pal Steve Deaton.

The Old Poet Teacher, at a Loss, Trying to
Justify The Ways of Buck Owens to the
Skeptical Freshmen of a Small Liberal
Arts College Somewhere up in Connecticut

I thence
Invoke thy aid to my adventurous song,
. . .
Things unattempted yet is prose or rhyme.
. . .
That to the height of this great argument
I may assert Eternal Providence
And justify the ways of God to men.
--Milton, Paradise Lost, Book I



I know, I know,
What can I say?
Yep, there’s a cliché
of the worst kind,
the images are predictable
and sometimes downright silly,
the rhyming is telegraphed
and so many generalities . . .

And if you post-pubescent
post-post-modernist poet wanna-bes
dare to try it, I’ll fry your asses in hog fat
and send you screaming down
into the abysmal hellfire darkness
of the academic f-word!

You think I’m kidding.

But something about Buck smells like coffee,
feels like late night truck stops
where the band has downed so much antacid,
so many Pall Malls, so much vegetable soup.

It burns like a good, cheap Bourbon
and has the texture of duct taped microphones.

I don’t know how else to say it.
But “Tiger by the Tail” moves me
more than Ezra Pound
who could never spin and pop
at 45 revolutions per minute
whirling out the Bakersfield swing
of liquid steel and shuffle . . .

Oh you great American poets
I like you best when I
don’t know why I like you.

So why Buck Owens?
His iniquities weigh heavy
against him and he is cursed.

I haven’t the foggiest.

Maybe it’s the polyester
draped over the warmth
of a tube mic two inches
from the centrifugal force
of a fluttering Celestion cone
hanging on for dear life
under the silver glittering grill
of a Fender Twin.

So much hum. So much crackle.

Oh you great American poets
you have moved me
but so few of your poems
are better than cigarettes.

But with his calculated, frozen silly grin
and a red, white, and blue guitar
as big as Whitman’s America,
Buck Owens fills me
like naphtha from a Zippo
and the initial crackle
of tobacco and wrapping
recoiling in little orange flames

and damn it’s good

Ahhh, Buck, you gap toothed silly bastard,
dammit you’re good.

Copyright 2001 Steve Deaton

FREE BILLY MCGEE!

Instead of asking for a prosecution, R. David Paulison, the acting head of FEMA should borrow a private jet and come down to Hattiesburg, Mississippi and personally give Sheriff Billy McGee a medal. While “Browine” was sending out for burgers and trying to figure out what shirt to wear, Sheriff McGee took the bull by the horns and got ice and water out to people in need. And what is his reward for slashing through red tape, the US Attorney’s Office wants to change him with a felony.

Send an email to FEMAOPA@dhs.gov and demand that the charges be dropped!

Pope to Karzai “Oh yeah, Mr. Fuzzy Hat…watch this!”

In a surprising move today, Pope Benedict XVI called for a revival of the Great Crusades to free the Holy Lands from the Moors. Sources close to the pontiff report that upon hearing the news from Afghanistan that Christian convert Abdul Rahman has been sentenced to death by beheading for converting to Christianity, the ruler of the Holy See leapt from the Chair of Peter and shouted at the papal television, “You better step off, bitch! Don’t make me get all 12th century on your ass! You want a dose of Vitamin B-16?! Then come on and get it!”

After carefully removing the Shoes of the Fisherman, the Pontiff kicked over the television, stormed out of the Basilica TV room and locked himself in the Papal Apartment. After conferring with Papal Consigliere, Thomas Mesereau, His Holiness spent the next several hours calling various Christian millionaires to join his quest. By invoking Doctrina Iustus Bellum, the Holy Father will be able to bestow the spoils of war to any Knight Templar of the Tenth Crusade.

In related news, Dick Cheney suddenly announced today that he is stepping down from his post as Vice President of the United States. In a hastily thrown together press conference, Mr. Cheney came to the podium dressed in a white smock bearing a red cross and told reporters that he is now to be called, “Dick the Fierce, Shooter of Texas Lawyers and Slayer of Moors.” He explained the move by saying, “I received a call from the Vatican this afternoon asking me to lead the Tenth Holy Crusade. In doing so, I will be granted the spoils of war, including petroleum, in any Moor nation that I conquer. Therefore, I will be returning to my post as CEO of Halliburton and assembling a private army to rescue the Holy Land from the hands of Satan’s minions.”

Dick the Fierce staunchly refused to answer questions and exited the room, flanked by similarly dressed T. Boone Pickens and Sumner Redstone.

On Wall Street today, Halliburton stock soared to close well over its 52 week high.

Come to me my children!

A Thetan Rant from Dean Swift

In light of several events that have transpired this week, I have decided to form my own cult religion. I am having a difficult time coming up with a name and have hired Ogilvy Public Relations to assist me in my endeavor. So far, they have come up with three potential names for my new cult church: (1) Cashaneticology, (2) The Divine Order of Dean’s Swiss Bank Account and (3) Halliburton. Any suggestions or comments are welcome.

Regardless of the name, it is important that the rich celebrities hard working people of the world have a place where they can give me all their money feel free to be themselves and avoid the helpful benefits evil traps of things like medicine and loads of cash weighing them down.

It is my firm belief in anal probing space aliens the goodness of humankind that will be the basis for all of my cult church brainwashing teaching. We will have intense weekend getaways for our followers that will consist of allowing your attractive spouses to have sex with me on demand healing rituals and giving me your late model cars wellness seminars.

Once indoctrinated accepted with loving open arms into my cult church, you will go on rampages against South Park and Matt Lauer and others that question our beliefs spread our word of love to the infidel non-believers people who need our help.

So let’s get this thing started. I am sending out wiring instructions to my bank account happy thoughts via mental telepathy. You’ll know what to do when you get the message!

click here for more on the inspiration for my new cult religion

Bored to Flames

A generational rant from Dean Swift


How much extended boredom does it take to trigger in a college student the urge to burn churches. As it turns out, not too much. Over the past several days we at the Swifitan Institute for Spurious Science have been conducting a series of experiments on upper-middle-class college students with some exciting results. Although it wall take many months of exhaustive study to fully analyze the data, we do feel confident with making some preliminary observations. First, we can safely state that modern young males seem to represent the first humans to be counter-evolving into beings that could be easily defeated in backgammon by a Jersey milk cow. Secondly, we don’t like their haircuts.

Following is the abstract of one test subject

Test Subject 17
Name: Ryan Jackson
Age: 19
Education: Sophomore at Southern Alabama School of Liberal Arts, Dothan Campus
Field of Study: Business Administration

Abstract:

Subject arrived at the test site approximately thirty minutes late, claiming that he was running behind because there was some “righteous wicked traffic” on the highway and that he had to stop and get a smoothie on the way. He was dressed in a fraternity t-shirt, , sandals and his boxer shorts were clearly visible four inches above the waistband of his cut off blue jeans. He seemed to be lacking any body hair and had a distinct scent of coconut oil. We explained to him that he would be paid fifty dollars to participate in a scientific study and asked him to sign our standard release form. Before signing, he enquired if he was “gonna’ have to do anything gay.” We explained to him that the study was on the effects of boredom and he asked “that doesn’t make you do gay stuff, does it?” We assured him that no current study data indicated that exposure to abject boredom resulted in any gender-specific sexual responses. He responded with an open mouth and a blank stare. We further clarified that he would not “turn homo” and he promptly signed the release.

We began the study with the subject being placed in a 12’x10’ room containing the following objects:


1 Reclining Chair
1 27” Color Television
1 Remote Control Device for TV
1 X-box Game Console
2 Games for X-box
1 Hardcover Book of Poetry by T.S. Eliot

The room was equipped with a ceiling-mounted camera and audio microphone to record the entire experiment.

At 12:00 noon, the subject was led into the room by an institute employee and told that he was free to use anything in the room during the experiment and that he would be checked on at different intervals throughout the day. He offered a puzzled look and the institute employee clarified the statement by saying “just hang out here and some people might come in and out.” The subject’s response was “cool.”

Upon entering the room, the subject immediately turned on the TV and began flipping through the 140 digital cable channels. He gleefully said “Fifty bucks to watch TV, awesome.” Thirty minutes later, the number of television channels available to the subject was reduced to 13. There was a noted change in his behavior and he repeatedly struck the television and the remote control muttering to himself. At 12:45pm, the subject began to yell, “Hey, this TV is messed up dudes!” At 12:47pm the subject discovered the X-box game console and was recorded saying “No way! Has this shit been here the whole time?” At first he inserted the game “Tony Hawk Underground 3” and continued to play this game for 15 minutes at which time he switched to “Gotham City Racing” and played for another 15 minutes. At approximately 1:15pm an institute employee entered the room and without addressing the subject, removed the X-box game console. The subject was agitated and shouted at the institute employee to “put that shit back before I smack you!” Although he employee was threatened repeatedly, no violence transpired. At 1:30pm the subject began to rapidly flip through the 13 available television channels, not knowing that with each change of the channel, the previous channel was removed from his viewing choices. Within 30 seconds, the television was able to receive no signal. At this point the subject struck the television repeatedly and checked the battery compartment of the remote control device eleven times. The subject then reached to the back of the television and traced the cable connection to the wall. He attempted to disconnect and reconnect the cable seven times before exclaiming “Bogus!” and returning to sit in the reclining chair. After sitting for approximately one minute, the subject began beating on the door and yelling “Hey dude! The TV is fried! Come fix this crap!” After two minutes and forty complaints from the subject, an institute employee entered the room and removed the television. As the employee was exiting the room, the subject repeatedly asked if the TV was going to be returned in working order. Over the next fifteen minutes the subject became more and more agitated. He paced around the room, only stopping his pacing to masturbate six times. At 2:00pm, an employee of the institute entered the room to remove the chair and was attacked by the subject. The employee was beaten unconscious with the book of poetry. With the door left open and the institute employee unconscious on the floor, the subject escaped the testing area and fled to his BMW in the institute parking lot. Institute security guards followed the subject as he drove into the countryside. After a fifteen minute drive, the subject pulled into the parking lot of the Shepherd’s Hollow Missionary Baptist Church. The subject was apprehended at the rear of the church while piling sticks against the back door and removing a Bic lighter from the pocket of his cut off jeans.

As you might surmise, if this is who we are depending on for the advancement of our great nation, we’re screwed.

National Meat Out

A Meaty Rant from Dean Swift

March 20th is the first day of Spring. It is also the date of the National Meat Out, a day on which certain factions of the animal rights movement would like for everyone to stop eating meat, at least for 24 hours. This meatless day of celebration is sponsored by: FARM (Farm Animal Reform Movement); IDA (In Defense of Animals); the magazine Vegetarian Times; a spa called Hippocrates Health Institute; and a travel agency named Healthy Adventures. Isn’t that sweet. I think I’ll skip this year and have dinner at Red, Hot & Blue BBQ instead.

As usual, I did my research into the groups sponsoring the Meat Out and was amused, but not surprised. FARM and IDA are organizations that promote sit-ins and protests of farms, fast food restaurants and just about anywhere else that promotes the “torture” of animals through farming. I guess they want to “free the cows” and let them carry on their lives without hindrance from humans. Hmmm… Cows free to roam the countryside and start little cow communities. In no time these cows would surely organize and demand the right to vote. Hell, one might even get elected president. Or… they would all end up getting hit by cars or starving to death, because next to granola hippies, they are perhaps the dumbest creatures on the earth. Vegetarian Times is a magazine about vegetarian cooking. I actually read this rag one time and was very disappointed. You see, I had accidentally harvested a vegetarian while on the deer stand and didn’t want the meat to go to waste, so I picked up a copy of Vegetarian Times and could not find a single recipe for how to cook a vegetarian. Go figure. Healthy Adventures offers vegetarian vacationssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. Oops. Sorry about that, talking about this company was so boring, I fell asleep while pressing he “s” key on my laptop. The most interesting group sponsoring the meat out was the Hippocrates Health Institute (for those of you who don’t speak ancient Greek, Hippocrates loosely translates to: lunatic who will pay good money for just about anything). This place is a spa in Palm Beach, Florida that promotes wheat grass as nature’s cure-all. For a mere $3,700/week (plus the cost of food and informational materials) you can spend three weeks at the spa and receive their magical treatments of wheatgrass beverages, enemas and rectal implants. During this time you will learn how to drink wheatgrass without “…causing nausea” which will (among other things); cause your gray hair to return to its previous color, reduce your tumors, detoxify your body and promote healthy gums. Their web site partially explains it this way, “…when the "blood" of plants is absorbed in humans it is transformed into human blood, which transports nutrients to every cell of the body.” OK, got it. So in order to “fix my blood”, I need to drink something that will make me puke while somebody stuffs wheatgrass into my bum. No thanks, I think I’ll keep my old broken-down blood and eat a cow instead. At Bonanza I might not get a cancer cure, but at least the waitress will not attempt to insert any roughage from the wrong end.

Perhaps we omnivores should respond in-kind. We could have an event called The National Eat More Yummy Animals Day. We could have speakers and seminars like “Are cute animals better tasting than ordinary or ugly ones?” or “Veal, it’s not just for breakfast anymore!” We could get the National Beef Counsel to print flyers encouraging vegetarians to eschew their spinach and wheat germ for a day and replace their soy-burgers with ground chuck. We could invite the Inuit Preservation Society to put on baby harp seal clubbing demonstrations. We could eat Vegetarian Stew (a delicious concoction made from a medium to small vegetarian, savory juices and lots of potatoes, celery and carrots). Just think of the possibilities. Maybe we could even start our own spa where everyone eats bacon, drinks chicken soup, gets lard facials and the staff could attempt to stick a lamb… oh never mind. How about this, instead of foisting our opinions on everyone else why don’t we just continue the private enjoyment of our lives and let the fruits and nuts of the world do their thing. Now that’s a novel idea!

Tsk, Tsk TSA

A frustrated rant from Dean Swift, the not so swift traveler

So late yesterday afternoon, I was hanging out at LaGuardia with a few thousand of my closest friends... I rushed through a fantastic lunch at Haru to catch a cab and get to LGA one hour before my flight home. Upon arrival at the terminal I dutifully over-tipped the cabbie and schlepped my own bag out of the trunk. Since the driver didn't bother getting out of the car to assist me with my bags, I took the low road and walked into the terminal without closing the trunk. He shouted something in has native tongue that I assumed was not complimentary and I smiled a snarky grin as I slipped through he sliding glass doors. Inside the Delta/Northwest terminal there was an enormous crowd, not moving, mumbling and looking like someone had pissed in their collective Wheaties. After adding considerable wear to my shoes, I found the end of the line and took my place. Within 30 minutes the line had snaked back and forth across the terminal, out the door and onto the sidewalk. The temperature began to rise along with the tempers of the would-be travelers as TSA agents scurried about. Soon, the buzzing TSA agents were joined by cops in tactical gear and cops with dogs. When we asked the TSA agents about the situation, we were told that there was a "technical security issue." That would explain the German Shepherds, but not the Labrador Retrievers (Germans are known for their technological expertise). Soon thereafter we were informed that the terminal was to be evacuated and a mad rush to the door ensued. It was a bit frightening and I perhaps scared my wife out of her wits when I said "...sweetie, I have to go now, they are evacuating the terminal." As I stood, holding a door open for the rush of evacuees, I got ticked by the too common sight of people trying to run through revolving doors while pulling their carry-on bags. I could just imagine the thought process... "I might get stuck in here and die from the blast, but at least I'll have my underwear and shaving kit!" Outside the terminal, the sky buzzed with news helicopters and TV remote units were setting up shop. No officials came out to explain the situation so the crowd started to move back to the doors and some people even re-entered the building, only to be shooed out time and again. Knowing that I had a fairly tight connection in Atlanta (in the South, we say that whether you are going to heaven or hell, you'll still have to connect through Atlanta), I called the Skymiles number at Delta and asked the operator to transfer me to an alternate airline and get me at least part of the way home. I was informed that in order to do this, I needed to go into the terminal and see a Delta Ticket Agent. Hmmm...... I guess in the operators native language, the word evacuate must have some alternate meaning. I tried my best to explain that the ticket agent was sitting on the curb enjoying a Winston, but to no avail. Instead, I just called my travel agent and bought a one way ticket to ATL on American Airlines. Problem solved! or so I thought. The American flight ended up being delayed for a few hours and I of course was a few minutes late for the last connection home. They didn't hold the plane. I slept at the Airport Sheraton and the next day I finally got on a big bird to return home. Twenty hours after rushing through my lunch, I found myself back in my humid homeland. Oh... and the "technical security issue" that caused this delay turned out to be some guy who walked away from the screening area after his shoes had been swabbed for explosives. As it turned out, he just didn't understand the agent when she said for him to wait for the results of the scan. The scan turned up negative and the officials never found the guy. Oh well. At least I made it home.

Hey NBC, Grow a Pair!

A Pop Culture Rant from Dean Swift

For a while, I’ve been working on an article entitled “Wuss Nation” in which I bemoan the castration of our once strong union and its populous. The height of my examples was to be a sight that caught my attention in my neighborhood, that of a child riding a tricycle and wearing a helmet. Yes, you read that correctly, the child was not riding a motorcycle or even a bicycle, he was indeed on a tricycle. This pinnacle of absurdity was however completely overshadowed Saturday night by NBC.

If you’ve been under a rock or cloistered away at Trembling Hills Recovery Haven, and haven’t heard about the cartoon brouhaha, it goes something like this… The Danish Newspaper, Jyllands-Posten, published a series of cartoons depicting Mohamed (the prophet, not the boxer or the dude that owns Harrod’s). Some of them portrayed him as a terrorist, others did not, and some were downright silly. The reaction to the cartoons has been over the top, bug-house-crazy. As of Saturday night, 45 people have been murdered as part of numerous demonstrations across multiple continents.

On the news Saturday evening, there was a report about Italian politician, Roberto Calderoli who, during an interview on Italian television, unbuttoned his shirt to reveal one of the offensive cartoons. Only, on NBC, the cartoon was blurred like a Nike swoosh in a rap video. NBC, the network that has no problem offending me with endless images of big breasted young women drinking mikshakes made of maggots and elk turds, was too much of a wuss network to show the damn cartoon on the shirt. I guess they think they are staking out the moral high ground by not offending the Islamic terrorists that are burning embassies BECAUSE OF A CARTOON! Where was this piety when NBC reported on the 1989 art exhibition of Andreas Serrano that featured the piece entitled Piss Christ. For those of you who were under a rock or in Trembling Hills back then, Piss Christ was a photograph of a crucifixion submerged in what was purported to be the artist’s urine. This image was displayed ad nauseum on every media outlet imaginable. The media harped on the image as an example of waste in the Government’s funding of the arts and the reactionary pundits took the bait and ran with it. Mississippi’s own Donald “the Wild Man” Wildmon went so far as to use the Piss Christ image as his fighting banner in a petition campaign to get the government to stop funding the NEA. He wasn’t successful in cutting off the federal funding of the arts, but he gained national recognition in his fruitless pursuit. Had the media (including our pious friends over at NBC) not been so eager to show the Serrano image, I don’t think it would have had nearly the traction. In my humble opinion, it boils down to this, NBC is selectively offensive according to some ass-backwards sense of morality guided by politicaly correct sensibilities.

And by the way, when did the French get more balls than us? While the US media giant NBC cowered, and curled up into the fetal position under the anchor desk, several European newspapers (including several in the former empire of Gaul) published the offending cartoons along with statements regarding freedom of the press as a show of solidarity for Jyllands-Posten. I mean I knew the Danes had some sack (During WWII, Denmark was the only Nazi-occupied country that refused to provide a list of its Jewish citizens.), but REALLY! The Frogs outdid us! I guess as a show of solidarity with the French, I should stop calling my favorite side dish “freedom fries.”

Did NBC stop and think about their position on showing the offensive image. Well, with a little digging, I was able to uncover this spurious NBC memo:






















I guess it figures. It is sad however, that this once proud and fierce nation has stooped to being the Goose to France’s Maverick. I would write more, but I have to go now. My son is on his way home and will certainly want to ride his Big Wheel. I hope I can get the Nerf padding down on the driveway before he arrives, otherwise we’ll just have to talk about how fun it would have been.